my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
