I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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