Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
