Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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