He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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