my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
