He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
