Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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