Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Mom said you looked used
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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