A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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