The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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