I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
