you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
