Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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