You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
