I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
