This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
