i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
