When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
