My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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