When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
