could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
