true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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