Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
