when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
