your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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