shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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