I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
