Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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