i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
