there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
