sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
