Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
where are my eyebrows?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
