I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
