I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
