you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Randomize
