I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
