were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
