the condom got lost in my hair
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
