I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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