I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
