I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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