Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
