Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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