I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
