I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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