My liver just broke up with me...
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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