Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
