This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
