I'm so fucking centered right now
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
