Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
